Oh Shknit!

My life was sort of turned upside down in June, and then even worse in October, with the finale the middle of January.  The last 6-7 months have definitely been the worst of my life.  I have had to deal with things I never thought I would have to, have had to make decisions I never thought I would need to, and have dealt with loss I never could ever fathom.

I have always related to people that say that knitting has kept them sane, has been therapeutic, etc., but I have never really truly understood that until now.  I have always said that I knit so that I don’t kill people, and it’s been something that makes people chuckle, but I feel that if I were to say that now, I might scare people because I won’t  be able to laugh when I say it.  Not that I have been close to murdering anyone, but my emotions have been so very close to the surface and I feel on the verge of losing it sometimes.  Frequently.  Postpartum depression tops it all off, and makes for one crazy gal.

I relate now more than ever to the comment that knitting has helped me stay sane.  Has helped me keep it together.  I feel like when I am pulling loop through loop that I am accomplished, productive, or it just keeps me from thinking about the things that make me super anxious or sad.  The never-ending stockinette on the sweater I am working on for my son, which would usually lead me to cast on something a bit more interesting, has been my savior.  Knit, knit, knit, round after round.  I made the biggest size I could, it will probably even last him this winter/spring and next because of the size, but that stockinette soothes me like nothing else can right now.  No medication, no prayers, no nothing.  One might say my faith is not strong enough, but right now I am taking relief and comfort where I can get it, because it seems to come so infrequently these days.

Podcasts have been helping me get through my evenings and nights, also.  When I go to bed my brain won’t stop, and it’s the only thing that keeps me from crying myself to sleep.  I fall asleep listening to the comforting voices of Jazmine, Gigi, Jackie, Nicole, Jenny, and Brenda.  Thank you, ladies, for making my nights easier and falling asleep without struggle.

If I see a little manic in this blog, that is perhaps why.  It is something else that is distracting what I inevitably have to deal with, but won’t do until I feel like I am able to.  There are a couple things that need to happen before I can even think about that happening, including some physical healing and getting my son and some issues that have come up with him straightened out.  Once that happens, I work on me.  My  mental state, and working on learning how to deal with life and the things that come up, because I know that this is not the last rough patch I will have, and not the last stumbling block that will stand in my way.  I can only be the best person I can be, and most importantly the best mother that I can be, if I can get my brain sorted out and learn to deal with things.  This year WILL be better than last year.  I WILL get my shit together, I WILL be able to deal with whatever comes my way.

If there is anyone else struggling right now, here is to the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far down that tunnel it might be, and for life getting a little easier for you.

Until next time,

J